A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square.
“It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my first time in New York, and I had just finished exploring Times Square. I had been walking around all morning and I was pretty hungry, but I had to meet a friend in Brooklyn within the hour, so I didn’t have time for a full meal. I saw a big bag of potato chips just sitting there over on 6th avenue and figured that would hold me over. When I tried to open the bag, it started screaming at me and I was immediately descended on by security. They tackled me to the ground, and I sustained a concussion. I thought to myself ‘I’m never eating Lays again.’ When I was released from the hospital, an officer explained to me that what I thought was a bag of Classic Lays was actually the President of the United States. I called my lawyer immediately.”
The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.
“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”
The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.
Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”
This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.
A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her son a happy meal and proceeded to the first window, then the second window. When she was given her son’s happy meal, Mrs. Joom noticed it was a little heavy, but didn’t think much of it, handing the bag gently to her son in the back seat. When he opened the bag to grab his fries, she heard a piercing shriek.
“It was terrifying. I’ve never heard him scream so loud. He just started yelling, “MOM MOM THERE’S A GIANT SQUID IN MY FRIES!” I told him not be silly because I needed to focus on the road, but when I was slapped in the face by one of the tentacles, I knew he wasn’t kidding anymore. The front windshield shattered and the squid slithered its way out. We were in shock. I still can’t believe it happened. I had heard of people finding hairs in their fries and fingers in their chicken nuggets, but I never expected this. I’m just glad we’re both okay.”
When asked if she was going to file a lawsuit against McDonalds for the incident, Mrs. Joom was dismissive, saying “sometimes things like this just happen.”
The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.
The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”
We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.
“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”
The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.
From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us, at least. Some of us wander around aimlessly, waiting for something else to define us.
One of these particularly clueless individuals is Canadian pre-school teacher Jessica Smith. Mrs. Smith, or as she’s known to her students, “Yay!” has lived in Alberta her entire life, and has become a model citizen for everything Canadian. When she saw an ad for Ancestry.com, she became curious about just how Canadian she actually is. What followed was an unexpected turn of events that would change Mrs. Smith’s life forever.
“So, I saw the ad pop up on my computer one morning when I was reading an article about bullying, and it really caught my attention. I was always curious about my heritage. I mean, I knew I was Canadian, but how Canadian was I, exactly? It was a question I just had to have answered. When the results came in, I couldn’t have been more excited. This was the moment I would finally understand my true identity. When I started reading the results, though, I was a bit surprised. It turns out that I’m not Canadian at all. I’m 100% Mexican. It was a bit of a shock. Being Canadian was everything to me. But now I’m Mexican, and being Mexican is everything to me.”
In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.
“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”
In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.
Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.
In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.
“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”
“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”
“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”
“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”
Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.
“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”
A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.
“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”
Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.
Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.
President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.
“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”
Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.
President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”
The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.