Tom Brady Retires From Football to Become Caretaker for Antonio Brown

Football legend Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL. The seven-time Super Bowl champion and greatest quarterback of all time will step down after twenty-two seasons in the league to pursue a caretaking position for former teammate, Antonio Brown.

“It’s bittersweet,” said Brady. “There’s been so many special moments on the field, and I’ll miss that. But something I’ve learned over the years is the truly special moments in life come off the field. Taking care of Antonio Brown over the last year has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

We brought him in and he was a shell of himself. A broken man with no direction. But we hooked him up to an IV drip of Tony Robbins quotes straight away, and things started to turn around. I realized in that moment, my true passion is to take care of people. That’s all this has really been about from the start. I don’t even like football. I just knew if I got really good, I could take care of people like Antonio.”

The announcement comes as a shock to fans, many of whom were convinced Tom Brady would be playing football forever. “He’s just so pliable,” said Robert from Little Rock, Arkansas. “I never thought someone who could bend like that would step away… or could step away. You watch this guy your whole life, you know… and you say, man, that guy’s really figured it out. Eternal greatness. Immortal success… And now he’s just another loser on the streets. I don’t even know what to believe in anymore.”  

His fans may be heartbroken, but his patients are heart-warmed; none more so than Brady’s most important patient, Antonio Brown. “Tom’s got my back. Ya’ll never had had my back, but Tom’s got my back. He plays Super Smash Bros with me. Do you play Super Smash Bros with me? Nah, I didn’t think so.”

Whatever your opinion may be of Brady, it’s hard to fault a man for following his heart.  

Antonio Brown Sues Antonio Brown, Citing Abuse by Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown has announced that he is taking legal action against himself. The former Tampa Bay receiver and Campbell’s soup advocate is suing on grounds of workplace misconduct and psychological abuse. “I’ve just had enough of this man, man. You’re gonna see. You’re gonna see who the real Antonio Brown is when this all comes out. The people that know me, know me,” said Brown.

Brown was released by the Buccaneers just days after head coach Bruce Arians claimed he was “no longer a Buc,” sending social media into a frenzy. Many have claimed that Brown has not been the same since taking a hit by Vontaze Burfict in a 2016 game against the Bengals, but Brown claims Antonio Brown has always been out of his mind.

“He hates me cause he ain’t me,” said Brown, of Brown. “He’s been on me since I was a kid. Everywhere I go he follows me around. He tells me I’m not the greatest of all time. He says I need help. Help? You see who I am? I’m Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown doesn’t need help.”

Whether we see Antonio Brown step on the field again remains to be seen, but the disgruntled receiver has made one thing clear: he is Antonio Brown, and he’s coming after Antonio Brown.

Derrick Henry to Play Guitar Made of Shredded Ligaments at Halftime

In desperate need of a fresh halftime performance, the NFL has announced that Derrick Henry will make his musical debut by performing a solo on his ACL guitar at the Titans game against the Bengals. The strings are made entirely of NFL defenders’ shredded ligaments, the neck made out of various bone fragments, and the guitar body a collection of MRI images of players’ brains. A collage of artistic brilliance, the guitar is said to be worth about 93 souls, all of which you can hear screaming for help with every strum.

Henry, who hasn’t played in a game since Halloween, says he’s excited for the opportunity to break people again. “I just want to get out there and crush people. It doesn’t matter how. I’ll take an ACL, MCL, fractured fibula, shattered sense of self-worth, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you have, as a defender or a viewer… it’s fucking mine.”

For the Cincinnati Bengals, survival is key. When asked about how to stop Henry, coach Zac Taylor simply said, “don’t die. If we can make it to the fourth quarter with most of our players still alive, you bet we’ve got a chance and you bet they’re gonna be out there. I don’t care if your ribs are cracked, I don’t care if your brain is scrambled, I don’t care if your posterior talo-fibular ligament is snapped, you’re gonna be out there and you’re gonna fight until the end. This is a battle, and you don’t win a battle if you’re bitching about your fractured tibia in the fourth quarter. Get out there and make a stop. Period.”

Viewers across the world are excited to see Henry get back to pummeling NFL defenders, but fear about their own safety has permeated the discussion over the internet. Twitter user BryanSucksButthole696969696969 wrote “Dude I’m so scared. What if my ears get sucked into the metaverse when Derrick Henry strums that guitar?”

@EdgeLordElliott34176 writes: “I’m taking necessary precautions for the half-time show. Television off, front door locked, and most importantly, wearing a mask. I’ve schedule my at-home booster to be administered minutes before Henry begins playing that guitar. You can never be too careful.”

Wise words from a random person on the internet. No matter who you are, make sure to protect yourself from Derrick Henry today. Please, the hospitals are overrun. We beg you. Put yourself in a full body cast and bury yourself six feet under the earth. It’s the only solution.

Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.

The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”

We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.

“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”

 

The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.

Patrick Mahomes Caught Smuggling Drugs to Prison Inmates

The series of unfortunate events continues for the Kansas City Chiefs. First, it was Kareem Hunt being released after a video surfaced of him kicking a woman. Then, a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC championship. Last week, news broke of Tyreek Hill being under investigation for battery. And now, Patrick Mahomes.

It has been reported that Kansas City’s darling quarterback has been smuggling drugs to prison inmates for years under the guise of an inmate “rehabilitation” charity. Instead of counseling and support groups, the rehabilitation simply consists of shooting enough heroin through the prisoner’s veins to make him forget he’s in prison in the first place. Mahomes founded the “Stick it Out Foundation” in 2016, visiting over fifty prisons in the United States over the last three years.

Pennsylvania State Penitentiary inmate Skye Skreeb was the first to come forward. “I had been in here a couple months, and my cellmate Kevin was really excited one day when we came back from the yard. He said Patrick Mahomes was coming next week. I thought that was kind of cool, but he’s a Raiders fan, and a really intense dude. I figured he’d be sharpening a toothbrush, but instead he gave me a hug. It was weird. It was really weird. When Mahomes finally got here, he gave us all a lecture about how our lives all mean something and God loves us. At the end, he gave us all signed footballs. The guys were losing their minds. The next day, though, I didn’t see many footballs around anymore, which I thought was odd. Then, I came back to my cell and saw Kevin sticking a needle into his football. I told him that he didn’t need to deflate the football; it was a Patrick Mahomes football, not a Tom Brady one. Instead of laughing at my joke, he just took the needle out of the football and stuck it in his arm. His eyes started to roll back in his head. I was like, shit…”

Several prison inmates across the country have reportedly made deals with authorities to share their stories in exchange for reduced sentences. It has been estimated over ten thousand inmates have been shooting up through Patrick Mahomes signed footballs, bringing upwards of $500 million profit to Mahomes himself.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reportedly signed Mark Sanchez.