A giant sponge has soaked up the entire city of New Orleans after city officials brought in the oversized cleaning product to help with the city’s flooding. Ordered on Amazon for $14.99 with free shipping, (Prime members only) the 350 square mile sponge was lowered over the greater New Orleans area with a promise of new beginnings and drier streets. Now, the residents of New Orleans are in dire straights after their city has been seemingly sucked into oblivion.
“I don’t even know what’s going on in here,” said DeMarcus Collins, a resident of the city for 25 years. “Everything is yellow, like that Coldplay song. Someone said they made it to the other side and it’s green over there, but I don’t know what the point of knowing that even is if we can’t get the hell out of here.”
The situation highlights a simple lesson in life: things can always get worse. It’s a common occurrence for us to complain about the ice caps melting, insufferable greed, and the collapse of civilization itself, but something much worse has become a reality for the people of New Orleans: living inside a household cleaning product.
Currently, there’s no sound plan to release the city’s residents or the town itself from the grips of an overly cleanly hell. The first recommendation of purchasing a giant hand off Craigslist to squeeze the sponge was quickly shot down after government officials realized they might be the ones crushed into dust rather than released to freedom. Not to mention all of the water would be released at the same time, causing the survivors to drown immediately.
Another suggestion was to buy another sponge and place it below the original sponge and lightly squeeze back and forth, hopefully conserving enough pressure to release some residents and buildings while limiting the amount of water released so everything wouldn’t immediately get soaked up by the new sponge. The proposal started to gain some traction until Amazon removed the giant sponge from its online catalog, citing safety concerns.
It’s unclear when and how the people of New Orleans and literally all of its infrastructure will be free from the wrath of the giant sponge, but hope is not lost. The unnatural disaster has brought a lot of residents together, many of whom are happy to die with a newfound sense of community and soap in their eyes.
Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do.
“This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.”
“If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state of chaos and ruin, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m really good at identifying hate.”
Some of the horrific comments include things like a 55 year-old cis white man saying “pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” to an zhintern at Starbux. Despicable.
Several high ranking employees amongst various companies even began meetings with greetings such as “What’s going on guys?” and “How’s everyone doing today?” The fact that someone could refer to a group of shpeople as “guys” is barely comprehendible. The sheer amount of hate you have to have in your heart to say such a thing is truly dumbfounding.
Furthermore, we all know how harmful the phrase “everyone” is. If you take the word and remove all of it’s letters and insert new letters, the phrase becomes “I hate trans people.”
It remains to be seen if people will ever learn their lesson. It’s really sad that every old person on the face of the earth is a horrible human being.
Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”
We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”
We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.
Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”
To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.
Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days after her cousin Erica was slaughtered by a man with a machete waiting in her rose bush.
Each deadbolt is carefully crafted to lock six feet into the drywall, running through the full width of the door and the frame. Mrs. Fisterson declined to comment on exactly how much the Fisterson couple had spent on such a robust locking system, simply telling us “there’s no price on still having your head attached to your body.”
Sadly, even the most careful among us are not immune to an axe murderer waiting outside our door. On August 9th, 2020, Mrs. Fisterson had one too many gin and tonics and forgot to fully twist the lowest 15-foot deadbolt on her front door. Just minutes into the night, a man with a military-grade chainsaw destroyed the bottom three feet of the door, tossed the saw aside, crawled through the opening and sliced her into small bits with a Gerber hatchet.
It’s a simple reminder that the smallest lapse in concentration can be deadly. Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car accidents, drug overdoses, the DMV, and black-market prostate exams, combined.
The National Door Locker’s Association of America (NDLAA) estimates that on average, six men who you’ve never seen before and have no motive other than bashing your skull in are waiting outside your door at any given time, day or night, ready to take your life. For more information on home security, please visit SaveMySkull.gov.
Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”
In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”
We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”
Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”