Giant Sponge Soaks up City of New Orleans

A giant sponge has soaked up the entire city of New Orleans after city officials brought in the oversized cleaning product to help with the city’s flooding. Ordered on Amazon for $14.99 with free shipping, (Prime members only) the 350 square mile sponge was lowered over the greater New Orleans area with a promise of new beginnings and drier streets. Now, the residents of New Orleans are in dire straights after their city has been seemingly sucked into oblivion.

“I don’t even know what’s going on in here,” said DeMarcus Collins, a resident of the city for 25 years. “Everything is yellow, like that Coldplay song. Someone said they made it to the other side and it’s green over there, but I don’t know what the point of knowing that even is if we can’t get the hell out of here.”

The situation highlights a simple lesson in life: things can always get worse. It’s a common occurrence for us to complain about the ice caps melting, insufferable greed, and the collapse of civilization itself, but something much worse has become a reality for the people of New Orleans: living inside a household cleaning product.

Currently, there’s no sound plan to release the city’s residents or the town itself from the grips of an overly cleanly hell. The first recommendation of purchasing a giant hand off Craigslist to squeeze the sponge was quickly shot down after government officials realized they might be the ones crushed into dust rather than released to freedom. Not to mention all of the water would be released at the same time, causing the survivors to drown immediately.

Another suggestion was to buy another sponge and place it below the original sponge and lightly squeeze back and forth, hopefully conserving enough pressure to release some residents and buildings while limiting the amount of water released so everything wouldn’t immediately get soaked up by the new sponge. The proposal started to gain some traction until Amazon removed the giant sponge from its online catalog, citing safety concerns.

It’s unclear when and how the people of New Orleans and literally all of its infrastructure will be free from the wrath of the giant sponge, but hope is not lost. The unnatural disaster has brought a lot of residents together, many of whom are happy to die with a newfound sense of community and soap in their eyes.