Netflix Assumes Entire Audience Has Collective IQ of Seven

by Jason Scott Brendel

Feb. 2, 2019

Video Streaming Giant, Netflix, has announced their belief that everyone who watches any of their shows is mentally crippled. In a recent press release, CEO Reed Hastings writes “We’re trying to connect more with our consumer base, and part of that is understanding who these people are and what they like. They like our shows, obviously, but who are they? Well, they’re all sorts of things. They are people from different backgrounds, races, beliefs and religions. But there is one thing they all have in common. They’re dumb as fuck.”

With this new understanding, Netflix is now taking more responsibility for telling their audience how they should behave, since they’re too mentally decrepit to understand for themselves. In a recent tweet, the company addressed their viewership’s reaction to serial killer, Ted Bundy. (Real quote) “I’ve seen a lot of talk about Ted Bundy’s alleged hotness and would like to gently remind everyone that there are literally THOUSANDS of hot men on the service – almost all of whom are not convicted serial murderers.”

We asked Los Angeles, California, resident and Netflix enthusiast Deirdre James for her thoughts. “I think this is really great of Netflix to stick their necks out there and protect their viewers from a dead serial killer. When I was watching the new Netflix documentary on Ted Bundy, I have to admit I, too, thought he was very attractive. And since I’m about as smart as a bag of potato chips, my next thought was “I should date a serial killer, now.” If it weren’t for Netflix, I would probably be in the trunk of somebody’s car right now.”

Another woman, Lassandra Loomez, expressed her gratitude for the media conglomerate. “I’m so thankful for Netflix. I didn’t even know Ted Bundy was a serial killer. I was watching the show, but since my brain is made of packing peanuts and tootsie rolls, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that he was hot and I wanted him inside of me. I was willing to do anything to make that happen with this man, and this man only. Thank God I logged onto Twitter and saw this tweet. Netflix saved my life.”

We asked Netflix Social Media Manager, Dobbie Dooberson, if he thought of himself as a hero. “You know, I really think so. I think it’s a huge responsibility to address this pervasive issue in society of finding terrible people physically attractive. In fact, to say anything that isn’t completely dismissive of someone like Ted Bundy is really just not okay. Imagine if somebody said Hitler had a nice mustache. Think of the damage that could do to our families, our children, our communities… It’s just damaging. It’s just so damaging.”