Colleges to Begin Offering Degrees in Celebrity Cancellation

Several United States colleges have announced they will begin offering degrees in celebrity cancellation for the 2022 fall semester. The idea was first proposed by University of State Tech University President, William Washaway after hundreds of students occupied the dean’s office demanding more opportunities for celebrity destruction.

“It was impossible to ignore,” said Washaway. “You could hear the chants all across campus. “WHO’S NEXT!? I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO WE WANT!? FOR THEM TO GO!” I thought, wow… this seems really important to the students. That kind of vision, to be able to know someone is a terrible person before finding out what they’ve done or who they even are… that’s what we strive for here at University of State Tech University.”

Within days, Washaway had conceded to the demands of the mob, offering fifteen new courses around celebrity degradation and an avenue for a degree in the field. Popular classes such as “Intro to Cancellation,” “Advanced Media Manipulation,” and “Psychology of Joe Rogan” have been already been applied to by more than two thousand students at the school.

“It’s really beautiful,” said Agenda Lunareclipse, a third year Gender Studies student from Rhode Island. “I’ve been seeing the potential grow online for years now. You can’t deny how important this is. Society needs to know that celebrities are awful human beings and I am not. It’s crazy how other people are capable of such evil when I’m not. I don’t even understand that word. Evil. Like, I don’t get it. How can someone be like that? You should be kind. You should always be kind. I don’t understand why people can’t just be kind. I’m so kind. I’m always kind to people. Fuck Joe Rogan, I hope he rots in hell.”

Open Mic Musician Removes Only Song From Spotify Because Joe Rogan

Jeremy Spunkle, an open mic musician from Chattanooga, Tennessee, has decided to remove his only song from Spotify in protest of Joe Rogan. Spunkle joins Neil Young, Jodi Mitchell, and some guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band in solidarity against people talking to each other for three hours.

“It’s just terrible,” said Spunkle. “He has these guests on and they talk about things for two, three, sometimes even four hours. Nobody should be allowed to talk that long. I’ve never listened to an episode myself, but it’s just so upsetting to know he’s out there speaking like that. I know for a fact he’s saying things that are harmful, dangerous, and downright hateful. Why else would he talk that long? Why else?”

It’s another powerful statement by an influential artist, sure to cause a tornado of strife for music listeners around the globe. Spunkle had three streams on his hit song “living in the basement,” uploaded to Spotify in 2019. It’s a big risk to take, but Spunkle believes in the message he’s sending.

“This is more important than any song I could ever produce. This is real life we are talking about here. People are dying. People are dying because they’re listening to Joe Rogan. They’re taking horse de-wormer and shoving it up their buttholes, they’re injecting themselves with DMT and overdosing in the streets, they’re throwing kettle bells out the windows of their cars… it’s just really sad, honestly.” Only time can tell what the effects of these massive protests will be, but you have to applaud these brave musicians for their courage. Public speaking has gone too far and too long, and somebody has to stand against it.