Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.

Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”

One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.

Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.