Man Commits Suicide on Toilet After Phone Loses Battery

A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark.

“I heard him scream from the other side of the house,” his wife Margaret said. “What am I supposed to just FUCKING SIT HERE!? I didn’t think too much of it at first. He has a bit of a short temper, but when I heard a loud thump I knew something more was going on. When I tried to call him from the living room and it went straight to voicemail, I knew what had happened.”

Steve Splink is survived by his wife Margaret and their two dogs, Bonnie and Clyde.

Conscious reflection has taken over three million lives in the past year alone. If you or someone you know ever has to sit with their own thoughts, please… call 911.

Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments

Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do.

“This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.”

“If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state of chaos and ruin, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m really good at identifying hate.”

Some of the horrific comments include things like a 55 year-old cis white man saying “pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” to an zhintern at Starbux. Despicable.

Several high ranking employees amongst various companies even began meetings with greetings such as “What’s going on guys?” and “How’s everyone doing today?” The fact that someone could refer to a group of shpeople as “guys” is barely comprehendible. The sheer amount of hate you have to have in your heart to say such a thing is truly dumbfounding.

Furthermore, we all know how harmful the phrase “everyone” is. If you take the word and remove all of it’s letters and insert new letters, the phrase becomes “I hate trans people.”

It remains to be seen if people will ever learn their lesson. It’s really sad that every old person on the face of the earth is a horrible human being.