In desperate need of a fresh halftime performance, the NFL has announced that Derrick Henry will make his musical debut by performing a solo on his ACL guitar at the Titans game against the Bengals. The strings are made entirely of NFL defenders’ shredded ligaments, the neck made out of various bone fragments, and the guitar body a collection of MRI images of players’ brains. A collage of artistic brilliance, the guitar is said to be worth about 93 souls, all of which you can hear screaming for help with every strum.
Henry, who hasn’t played in a game since Halloween, says he’s excited for the opportunity to break people again. “I just want to get out there and crush people. It doesn’t matter how. I’ll take an ACL, MCL, fractured fibula, shattered sense of self-worth, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you have, as a defender or a viewer… it’s fucking mine.”
For the Cincinnati Bengals, survival is key. When asked about how to stop Henry, coach Zac Taylor simply said, “don’t die. If we can make it to the fourth quarter with most of our players still alive, you bet we’ve got a chance and you bet they’re gonna be out there. I don’t care if your ribs are cracked, I don’t care if your brain is scrambled, I don’t care if your posterior talo-fibular ligament is snapped, you’re gonna be out there and you’re gonna fight until the end. This is a battle, and you don’t win a battle if you’re bitching about your fractured tibia in the fourth quarter. Get out there and make a stop. Period.”
Viewers across the world are excited to see Henry get back to pummeling NFL defenders, but fear about their own safety has permeated the discussion over the internet. Twitter user BryanSucksButthole696969696969 wrote “Dude I’m so scared. What if my ears get sucked into the metaverse when Derrick Henry strums that guitar?”
@EdgeLordElliott34176 writes: “I’m taking necessary precautions for the half-time show. Television off, front door locked, and most importantly, wearing a mask. I’ve schedule my at-home booster to be administered minutes before Henry begins playing that guitar. You can never be too careful.”
Wise words from a random person on the internet. No matter who you are, make sure to protect yourself from Derrick Henry today. Please, the hospitals are overrun. We beg you. Put yourself in a full body cast and bury yourself six feet under the earth. It’s the only solution.
The Mad Satirist 