MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters.

“It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. They voted Harold Baines in for Christ sake. Harold fucking Baines. Did you know Harold Baines never even hit thirty home runs in a single season? And he was a designated hitter!”

When asked about his chances of getting into the hall someday, Bonds seemed hopeful. “I think if I just keep playing until most of these voters die, the new ones will vote me in. I’ve spoken with Jamie Moyer and Julio Franco, and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Plus, by the time I’m 60 I should have at least one thousand home runs. Then they’ll have to vote me in.”

The challenge for Bonds will be finding a team willing to give him a shot. Fortunately, the Dodgers have already been expressing interest. The back-to-back National League Pennant winners have also expressed interest this offseason in Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, J.T. Realmuto, Bartolo Colon, Pete Rose, AA home run king Charlie Chester, the unborn son of Mike Trout, and a literal fish.

“We’re in on everyone,” says Andrew Friedman, President of baseball operations for the Dodgers. “If we think they can help us win, we have to entertain those options.”

Friedman was open-minded about where Bonds may play in the field. “He’ll give us another option, whether it be in the outfield, at first base, or off the bench. We like to have as many options as we can. If we have to play six outfielders and two infielders, that’s what we’ll do. We’ve entertained the prospect of playing without a catcher this season as well, so that’s certainly a possibility.”

When asked if playing for the Dodgers would be a difficult change, Bonds replied: “as long as I get to keep hitting dingers and get into the hall, I don’t really give a fuck.”