Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.

“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”

Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.

Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.

Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”

One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.

Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.

Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days after her cousin Erica was slaughtered by a man with a machete waiting in her rose bush.

Each deadbolt is carefully crafted to lock six feet into the drywall, running through the full width of the door and the frame. Mrs. Fisterson declined to comment on exactly how much the Fisterson couple had spent on such a robust locking system, simply telling us “there’s no price on still having your head attached to your body.”

Sadly, even the most careful among us are not immune to an axe murderer waiting outside our door. On August 9th, 2020, Mrs. Fisterson had one too many gin and tonics and forgot to fully twist the lowest 15-foot deadbolt on her front door. Just minutes into the night, a man with a military-grade chainsaw destroyed the bottom three feet of the door, tossed the saw aside, crawled through the opening and sliced her into small bits with a Gerber hatchet.

It’s a simple reminder that the smallest lapse in concentration can be deadly. Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car accidents, drug overdoses, the DMV, and black-market prostate exams, combined.

The National Door Locker’s Association of America (NDLAA) estimates that on average, six men who you’ve never seen before and have no motive other than bashing your skull in are waiting outside your door at any given time, day or night, ready to take your life. For more information on home security, please visit SaveMySkull.gov.

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”

In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”

We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”

Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”

Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk

Kelsey Douglass had it all. A loving husband, a three story house, a stable income, and a beautiful young boy on the way. She was happy, full of life, and optimistic about her future. Unfortunately for Kelsey, her upper-class lifestyle was derailed when she insisted her child not be breastfed, but raised on almond milk.

“I just wanted him to be healthy,” said Kelsey. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Mrs. Douglass isn’t the only one to face the harsh consequences of this striking new trend. Thousands of Americans across the country have lost everything in the pursuit of an organic child. The increase in demand has only made things worse for these mothers, fathers, and children. The price of one gallon of organic almond milk has risen from $6 to $13,000 over the past year.

Many, like Mrs. Douglass, remain hopeful. “I’m getting priced out, I know. I know. But I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my baby from an inorganic lifestyle. If we have to live on the streets, if I have to beg, it doesn’t matter. Billy is gonna get his almond milk.”

Some have even gone to more extreme lengths. Just last month, a woman in Arkansas was murdered in cold blood over a spoonful of almond milk. It was the third almond milk related death in the state this year.

Grocery stores are taking precautions to protect themselves and their customers. Almost all stores have now placed almond milk under lock and key in the razor section. Walmart has the beverage in the gaming section, right behind Grand Theft Auto 6.

On the same note, others are taking advantage of the rise in demand. EA has just announced they’ll be releasing a new game, Grand Theft Almond Milk, in October of 2019. The RPG spectacular will feature a character who must steal enough almond milk to raise their child. The incredibly challenging game will reward the players who go to the greatest lengths to raise a strong, organic child.

Ultimately, the future for organic families isn’t looking too bright. Experts project the price of almond milk to continue rising. Economist Doug Spleeg gave his insight on the issue: “The price of almond milk seems to be growing exponentially, and that trend will likely continue until we have exhausted ourselves of all the almond milk available. People don’t realize how many almonds it takes to produce a gallon of almond milk. I mean, did you even notice there was milk in almonds before? Exactly.”