A Phoenix, Arizona woman has officially declared Valentine’s Day the worst holiday of all time now that she’s no longer dating. Formerly her favorite holiday of the year, Valentines is now a stark reminder that Kelly Dubison is an insufferable wench.
“I used to love Valentines,” said Dubison. “But now that I’m alone, I think it’s really dumb… like why do we have to see all these happy couples posting pictures on Instagram? Don’t they know how miserable I am? Like… I don’t have anyone to go out to dinner with. I just have to sit at home and look at everyone else’s perfect relationship. It’s sickening. I wish this day didn’t exist.”
A recent poll by ShowMeYourBigLongPoll.com highlights that Valentine’s Day is the least popular day in the calendar year amongst single adults in the United States, narrowly edging out September 11. Over 30 million US adults have reported feelings of jealousy, self-conscious wallowing, and lack of chocolate. It’s estimated that lack of chocolate alone will take over one thousand lives on this terrible holiday.
Kelly Dubison has taken her own unique approach to Valentine’s this year, buying as much chocolate as humanly possible. “Oh, it’s all mine, bitch. If you think you’re getting a chocolate heart from your hubby this year, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m buying out every store in town trying to sell that nonsense. Yeah, and guess what? Every time I see a couple get out of their car in public today, I’m opening up their gas tank and filling it with melted chocolate. You won’t be laughing when you realize your Hyundai Sonata can’t run on a melted heart. Fuck you Stanley.”
Whether you’re single, in love, or choose not to identify with a relationship status, one thing is undeniable on this day: Kelly Dubison is alone.
A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square.
“It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my first time in New York, and I had just finished exploring Times Square. I had been walking around all morning and I was pretty hungry, but I had to meet a friend in Brooklyn within the hour, so I didn’t have time for a full meal. I saw a big bag of potato chips just sitting there over on 6th avenue and figured that would hold me over. When I tried to open the bag, it started screaming at me and I was immediately descended on by security. They tackled me to the ground, and I sustained a concussion. I thought to myself ‘I’m never eating Lays again.’ When I was released from the hospital, an officer explained to me that what I thought was a bag of Classic Lays was actually the President of the United States. I called my lawyer immediately.”
An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.
Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”
One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.
Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.
An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.
“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”
This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.