Tom Brady Retires From Football to Become Caretaker for Antonio Brown

Football legend Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL. The seven-time Super Bowl champion and greatest quarterback of all time will step down after twenty-two seasons in the league to pursue a caretaking position for former teammate, Antonio Brown.

“It’s bittersweet,” said Brady. “There’s been so many special moments on the field, and I’ll miss that. But something I’ve learned over the years is the truly special moments in life come off the field. Taking care of Antonio Brown over the last year has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

We brought him in and he was a shell of himself. A broken man with no direction. But we hooked him up to an IV drip of Tony Robbins quotes straight away, and things started to turn around. I realized in that moment, my true passion is to take care of people. That’s all this has really been about from the start. I don’t even like football. I just knew if I got really good, I could take care of people like Antonio.”

The announcement comes as a shock to fans, many of whom were convinced Tom Brady would be playing football forever. “He’s just so pliable,” said Robert from Little Rock, Arkansas. “I never thought someone who could bend like that would step away… or could step away. You watch this guy your whole life, you know… and you say, man, that guy’s really figured it out. Eternal greatness. Immortal success… And now he’s just another loser on the streets. I don’t even know what to believe in anymore.”  

His fans may be heartbroken, but his patients are heart-warmed; none more so than Brady’s most important patient, Antonio Brown. “Tom’s got my back. Ya’ll never had had my back, but Tom’s got my back. He plays Super Smash Bros with me. Do you play Super Smash Bros with me? Nah, I didn’t think so.”

Whatever your opinion may be of Brady, it’s hard to fault a man for following his heart.  

Antonio Brown Sues Antonio Brown, Citing Abuse by Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown has announced that he is taking legal action against himself. The former Tampa Bay receiver and Campbell’s soup advocate is suing on grounds of workplace misconduct and psychological abuse. “I’ve just had enough of this man, man. You’re gonna see. You’re gonna see who the real Antonio Brown is when this all comes out. The people that know me, know me,” said Brown.

Brown was released by the Buccaneers just days after head coach Bruce Arians claimed he was “no longer a Buc,” sending social media into a frenzy. Many have claimed that Brown has not been the same since taking a hit by Vontaze Burfict in a 2016 game against the Bengals, but Brown claims Antonio Brown has always been out of his mind.

“He hates me cause he ain’t me,” said Brown, of Brown. “He’s been on me since I was a kid. Everywhere I go he follows me around. He tells me I’m not the greatest of all time. He says I need help. Help? You see who I am? I’m Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown doesn’t need help.”

Whether we see Antonio Brown step on the field again remains to be seen, but the disgruntled receiver has made one thing clear: he is Antonio Brown, and he’s coming after Antonio Brown.

Derrick Henry to Play Guitar Made of Shredded Ligaments at Halftime

In desperate need of a fresh halftime performance, the NFL has announced that Derrick Henry will make his musical debut by performing a solo on his ACL guitar at the Titans game against the Bengals. The strings are made entirely of NFL defenders’ shredded ligaments, the neck made out of various bone fragments, and the guitar body a collection of MRI images of players’ brains. A collage of artistic brilliance, the guitar is said to be worth about 93 souls, all of which you can hear screaming for help with every strum.

Henry, who hasn’t played in a game since Halloween, says he’s excited for the opportunity to break people again. “I just want to get out there and crush people. It doesn’t matter how. I’ll take an ACL, MCL, fractured fibula, shattered sense of self-worth, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you have, as a defender or a viewer… it’s fucking mine.”

For the Cincinnati Bengals, survival is key. When asked about how to stop Henry, coach Zac Taylor simply said, “don’t die. If we can make it to the fourth quarter with most of our players still alive, you bet we’ve got a chance and you bet they’re gonna be out there. I don’t care if your ribs are cracked, I don’t care if your brain is scrambled, I don’t care if your posterior talo-fibular ligament is snapped, you’re gonna be out there and you’re gonna fight until the end. This is a battle, and you don’t win a battle if you’re bitching about your fractured tibia in the fourth quarter. Get out there and make a stop. Period.”

Viewers across the world are excited to see Henry get back to pummeling NFL defenders, but fear about their own safety has permeated the discussion over the internet. Twitter user BryanSucksButthole696969696969 wrote “Dude I’m so scared. What if my ears get sucked into the metaverse when Derrick Henry strums that guitar?”

@EdgeLordElliott34176 writes: “I’m taking necessary precautions for the half-time show. Television off, front door locked, and most importantly, wearing a mask. I’ve schedule my at-home booster to be administered minutes before Henry begins playing that guitar. You can never be too careful.”

Wise words from a random person on the internet. No matter who you are, make sure to protect yourself from Derrick Henry today. Please, the hospitals are overrun. We beg you. Put yourself in a full body cast and bury yourself six feet under the earth. It’s the only solution.

8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in near mint condition. The move was to be expected, with Rocky’s strong start to the year and his contract with life nearing an end.

This morning, the Miller family struck a deal with the Lin’s for the mother of the household, Sandra Miller, who maintains multiple years of marital control. Although Mrs. Miller was having a down year, the Lin’s are confident they can turn her into a force to be reckoned with. The Lin family has a tradition of turning burnt-out mothers into prolific all-around contributors late in their careers. After acquiring 46-year-old Kelsey Daniels from the Goldberg’s in a three-family deal two years ago, the Lin family has turned the formerly useless piece of couch adhesive into one of the foremost leaders in the field of genetic engineering. The Miller family will receive a child to be named later from the Lin’s.

The move was, again, not unexpected, as many believed a change of scenery might be best for Mrs. Miller and the Miller family.

As the deadline neared at 4 p.m. Eastern time this afternoon, many in the industry expected the Miller’s to be busy fielding calls for their star contributor, 16-year-old Larissa, who would certainly be shipped for younger, more controllable pieces. Instead, the Millers seem to have nixed their plans for a supposed rebuild in the hopes of making a run at familial honor in the next two years. Jefferson Family Manager Rod Pickert said, of the scenario: “I’m surprised. Very surprised. Everyone expected the Millers to be major sellers this year and start over, but it looks like they’re gonna make one more run at it around Larissa. Everyone knows she’s going to be gone in two years. It’s common knowledge she doesn’t get along with her mother and hates her home town. But who knows, I heard they decided to send Mrs. Miller to the Lin’s, so maybe things turn around for them.”

Much like Mr. Pickert, many in the industry thought Larissa would be the major piece moving away from the Miller’s at the deadline. When it turned out to be eight-year-old brother, Kyle, shock waves were sent through the community. Just minutes before the deadline passed, Ken Daisyballs reported the eight-year-old boy had been traded to the neighboring Robinson’s for 52-year-old Uncle Frank Lancaster, 44-year-old Auntie Barb, and first round positioning in next year’s sperm bank draft.

On the surface, the move seems to make little sense. The Miller family gets older and receives an uncertain first-round sperm selection while sending away their top prospect, a kid who made the ten-year-old’s all-star team at age eight and has shown promising results on his multiplication tables. Nobody knows what the future holds for the Millers, but something needed to change; and boy did something change.

Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.

The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”

We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.

“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”

 

The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.

Patrick Mahomes Caught Smuggling Drugs to Prison Inmates

The series of unfortunate events continues for the Kansas City Chiefs. First, it was Kareem Hunt being released after a video surfaced of him kicking a woman. Then, a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC championship. Last week, news broke of Tyreek Hill being under investigation for battery. And now, Patrick Mahomes.

It has been reported that Kansas City’s darling quarterback has been smuggling drugs to prison inmates for years under the guise of an inmate “rehabilitation” charity. Instead of counseling and support groups, the rehabilitation simply consists of shooting enough heroin through the prisoner’s veins to make him forget he’s in prison in the first place. Mahomes founded the “Stick it Out Foundation” in 2016, visiting over fifty prisons in the United States over the last three years.

Pennsylvania State Penitentiary inmate Skye Skreeb was the first to come forward. “I had been in here a couple months, and my cellmate Kevin was really excited one day when we came back from the yard. He said Patrick Mahomes was coming next week. I thought that was kind of cool, but he’s a Raiders fan, and a really intense dude. I figured he’d be sharpening a toothbrush, but instead he gave me a hug. It was weird. It was really weird. When Mahomes finally got here, he gave us all a lecture about how our lives all mean something and God loves us. At the end, he gave us all signed footballs. The guys were losing their minds. The next day, though, I didn’t see many footballs around anymore, which I thought was odd. Then, I came back to my cell and saw Kevin sticking a needle into his football. I told him that he didn’t need to deflate the football; it was a Patrick Mahomes football, not a Tom Brady one. Instead of laughing at my joke, he just took the needle out of the football and stuck it in his arm. His eyes started to roll back in his head. I was like, shit…”

Several prison inmates across the country have reportedly made deals with authorities to share their stories in exchange for reduced sentences. It has been estimated over ten thousand inmates have been shooting up through Patrick Mahomes signed footballs, bringing upwards of $500 million profit to Mahomes himself.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reportedly signed Mark Sanchez.

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters.

“It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. They voted Harold Baines in for Christ sake. Harold fucking Baines. Did you know Harold Baines never even hit thirty home runs in a single season? And he was a designated hitter!”

When asked about his chances of getting into the hall someday, Bonds seemed hopeful. “I think if I just keep playing until most of these voters die, the new ones will vote me in. I’ve spoken with Jamie Moyer and Julio Franco, and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Plus, by the time I’m 60 I should have at least one thousand home runs. Then they’ll have to vote me in.”

The challenge for Bonds will be finding a team willing to give him a shot. Fortunately, the Dodgers have already been expressing interest. The back-to-back National League Pennant winners have also expressed interest this offseason in Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, J.T. Realmuto, Bartolo Colon, Pete Rose, AA home run king Charlie Chester, the unborn son of Mike Trout, and a literal fish.

“We’re in on everyone,” says Andrew Friedman, President of baseball operations for the Dodgers. “If we think they can help us win, we have to entertain those options.”

Friedman was open-minded about where Bonds may play in the field. “He’ll give us another option, whether it be in the outfield, at first base, or off the bench. We like to have as many options as we can. If we have to play six outfielders and two infielders, that’s what we’ll do. We’ve entertained the prospect of playing without a catcher this season as well, so that’s certainly a possibility.”

When asked if playing for the Dodgers would be a difficult change, Bonds replied: “as long as I get to keep hitting dingers and get into the hall, I don’t really give a fuck.”