A giant sponge has soaked up the entire city of New Orleans after city officials brought in the oversized cleaning product to help with the city’s flooding. Ordered on Amazon for $14.99 with free shipping, (Prime members only) the 350 square mile sponge was lowered over the greater New Orleans area with a promise of new beginnings and drier streets. Now, the residents of New Orleans are in dire straights after their city has been seemingly sucked into oblivion.
“I don’t even know what’s going on in here,” said DeMarcus Collins, a resident of the city for 25 years. “Everything is yellow, like that Coldplay song. Someone said they made it to the other side and it’s green over there, but I don’t know what the point of knowing that even is if we can’t get the hell out of here.”
The situation highlights a simple lesson in life: things can always get worse. It’s a common occurrence for us to complain about the ice caps melting, insufferable greed, and the collapse of civilization itself, but something much worse has become a reality for the people of New Orleans: living inside a household cleaning product.
Currently, there’s no sound plan to release the city’s residents or the town itself from the grips of an overly cleanly hell. The first recommendation of purchasing a giant hand off Craigslist to squeeze the sponge was quickly shot down after government officials realized they might be the ones crushed into dust rather than released to freedom. Not to mention all of the water would be released at the same time, causing the survivors to drown immediately.
Another suggestion was to buy another sponge and place it below the original sponge and lightly squeeze back and forth, hopefully conserving enough pressure to release some residents and buildings while limiting the amount of water released so everything wouldn’t immediately get soaked up by the new sponge. The proposal started to gain some traction until Amazon removed the giant sponge from its online catalog, citing safety concerns.
It’s unclear when and how the people of New Orleans and literally all of its infrastructure will be free from the wrath of the giant sponge, but hope is not lost. The unnatural disaster has brought a lot of residents together, many of whom are happy to die with a newfound sense of community and soap in their eyes.
Several United States colleges have announced they will begin offering degrees in celebrity cancellation for the 2022 fall semester. The idea was first proposed by University of State Tech University President, William Washaway after hundreds of students occupied the dean’s office demanding more opportunities for celebrity destruction.
“It was impossible to ignore,” said Washaway. “You could hear the chants all across campus. “WHO’S NEXT!? I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO WE WANT!? FOR THEM TO GO!” I thought, wow… this seems really important to the students. That kind of vision, to be able to know someone is a terrible person before finding out what they’ve done or who they even are… that’s what we strive for here at University of State Tech University.”
Within days, Washaway had conceded to the demands of the mob, offering fifteen new courses around celebrity degradation and an avenue for a degree in the field. Popular classes such as “Intro to Cancellation,” “Advanced Media Manipulation,” and “Psychology of Joe Rogan” have been already been applied to by more than two thousand students at the school.
“It’s really beautiful,” said Agenda Lunareclipse, a third year Gender Studies student from Rhode Island. “I’ve been seeing the potential grow online for years now. You can’t deny how important this is. Society needs to know that celebrities are awful human beings and I am not. It’s crazy how other people are capable of such evil when I’m not. I don’t even understand that word. Evil. Like, I don’t get it. How can someone be like that? You should be kind. You should always be kind. I don’t understand why people can’t just be kind. I’m so kind. I’m always kind to people. Fuck Joe Rogan, I hope he rots in hell.”
Jeremy Spunkle, an open mic musician from Chattanooga, Tennessee, has decided to remove his only song from Spotify in protest of Joe Rogan. Spunkle joins Neil Young, Jodi Mitchell, and some guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band in solidarity against people talking to each other for three hours.
“It’s just terrible,” said Spunkle. “He has these guests on and they talk about things for two, three, sometimes even four hours. Nobody should be allowed to talk that long. I’ve never listened to an episode myself, but it’s just so upsetting to know he’s out there speaking like that. I know for a fact he’s saying things that are harmful, dangerous, and downright hateful. Why else would he talk that long? Why else?”
It’s another powerful statement by an influential artist, sure to cause a tornado of strife for music listeners around the globe. Spunkle had three streams on his hit song “living in the basement,” uploaded to Spotify in 2019. It’s a big risk to take, but Spunkle believes in the message he’s sending.
“This is more important than any song I could ever produce. This is real life we are talking about here. People are dying. People are dying because they’re listening to Joe Rogan. They’re taking horse de-wormer and shoving it up their buttholes, they’re injecting themselves with DMT and overdosing in the streets, they’re throwing kettle bells out the windows of their cars… it’s just really sad, honestly.” Only time can tell what the effects of these massive protests will be, but you have to applaud these brave musicians for their courage. Public speaking has gone too far and too long, and somebody has to stand against it.
A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark.
“I heard him scream from the other side of the house,” his wife Margaret said. “What am I supposed to just FUCKING SIT HERE!? I didn’t think too much of it at first. He has a bit of a short temper, but when I heard a loud thump I knew something more was going on. When I tried to call him from the living room and it went straight to voicemail, I knew what had happened.”
Steve Splink is survived by his wife Margaret and their two dogs, Bonnie and Clyde.
Conscious reflection has taken over three million lives in the past year alone. If you or someone you know ever has to sit with their own thoughts, please… call 911.
Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do.
“This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.”
“If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state of chaos and ruin, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m really good at identifying hate.”
Some of the horrific comments include things like a 55 year-old cis white man saying “pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” to an zhintern at Starbux. Despicable.
Several high ranking employees amongst various companies even began meetings with greetings such as “What’s going on guys?” and “How’s everyone doing today?” The fact that someone could refer to a group of shpeople as “guys” is barely comprehendible. The sheer amount of hate you have to have in your heart to say such a thing is truly dumbfounding.
Furthermore, we all know how harmful the phrase “everyone” is. If you take the word and remove all of it’s letters and insert new letters, the phrase becomes “I hate trans people.”
It remains to be seen if people will ever learn their lesson. It’s really sad that every old person on the face of the earth is a horrible human being.
As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.”
“I was just doing some calisthenics in the basement when all of a sudden I felt my soul shake,” said Ryan Gobstein, neighbor to the fallen Gomez family. “I didn’t hear anything at first. I was holding on to the pull-up bar and I felt it rip right through me. I had the sudden urge to call everyone I thought I loved and tell them that they’re nothing more than a useless sack of cells flying at unfathomable speeds through a universe they’ll never understand. It was followed by the undeniable impulse to kick a small child off his bicycle and paper-cut him with Pokémon cards. Then I heard it. The screech. I knew right away that a demon had awoken from a plumbers slumber. There were rumors circling for years about an angry plumber who trapped a demon in the town’s water pipes. Nobody believed it at the time, but look who’s laughing now.”
Mr. Gobstein was lucky enough to make it out with only a couple of bloody ears, but the Gomez family was spared the same fortune. We can only hope their deaths act as a clear warning of the demon’s real and present danger.
After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself.
Stopping for his usual morning coffee at a favorite café in Austin, Texas, local resident Benny Shleem noticed Musk sitting in the corner with his laptop open.
“It was a total shock.” said Shleem. “I never expected to see Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, just sitting right there. I was curious about what he might be working on, of course, so I waited for my coffee while sneakily peering over his shoulder. I noticed he was on Amazon.com, which I thought was interesting. Then I could see him typing the word “Amazon” into the search bar, hitting enter, scrolling, going back, and then doing it again. He must have done this ten times before opening a new tab. Then I watched him Google “Purchase Amazon with Amazon Prime?” and “Does Amazon come with free shipping?” He scrolled through a couple of pages, but I could tell he was getting a bit frustrated. It was kind of cool, because I could totally relate to the way he was feeling. It’s really frustrating when you can’t find what you’re looking for on Amazon. They’re supposed to have everything.”
It has been a hard year for a lot of us, and this harrowing account is a clear demonstration that even the world’s richest man is not immune to daily struggle.
A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escaped the lab.
The experimental fetuses struggled with adapting to the world, aimlessly wandering around campus for a few minutes before being directed by the President of the United States, who urged them to move towards the Capitol Building. A third-year Economics student, Beatrice Blankenship, described the scene:
“Yeah, I just saw a whole bunch of really weird looking people coming out of one of the science buildings all at the same time. I thought it was just a class getting out at first but then I noticed some of them seemed to be wearing fur. Others had really long beards and they all looked straight at the sun when they got out, like they had never seen it before. Then they started to make grunting sounds, pointing at random objects. A few minutes later the grunts turned into chants of “Trump won! Trump won!” and that’s when it hit me. The fetuses had escaped.”
When they arrived at the Capitol Building, police were befuddled by the scene. An officer who declined to be identified said, on behalf of the men and women sworn to protect the building: “We were very confused. We could tell they resembled adult humans, but we could see there was something a bit off. They weren’t black, so I said okay, at least we know they’re not a threat. We saw several of them holding guns, and that made us feel more comfortable; so we kind of just let them in so they could do their thing for a while.”
The fetuses roamed the building, taking videos, causing violence, and stealing podiums, which it appears they believed to be food. After hours of confusion and chaos, President Trump urged the fetuses to finally go home, but they only seemed confused by the directive.
The final results of the experiment remain to be determined, but it’s clear that fetuses have yet to demonstrate any evidence of conscious behavior.
The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.
“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”
The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.
Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”
This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.