Woman Declares Valentines “Worst Holiday Ever” Now That She’s Single

A Phoenix, Arizona woman has officially declared Valentine’s Day the worst holiday of all time now that she’s no longer dating. Formerly her favorite holiday of the year, Valentines is now a stark reminder that Kelly Dubison is an insufferable wench.  

“I used to love Valentines,” said Dubison. “But now that I’m alone, I think it’s really dumb… like why do we have to see all these happy couples posting pictures on Instagram? Don’t they know how miserable I am? Like… I don’t have anyone to go out to dinner with. I just have to sit at home and look at everyone else’s perfect relationship. It’s sickening. I wish this day didn’t exist.”

A recent poll by ShowMeYourBigLongPoll.com highlights that Valentine’s Day is the least popular day in the calendar year amongst single adults in the United States, narrowly edging out September 11. Over 30 million US adults have reported feelings of jealousy, self-conscious wallowing, and lack of chocolate. It’s estimated that lack of chocolate alone will take over one thousand lives on this terrible holiday.

Kelly Dubison has taken her own unique approach to Valentine’s this year, buying as much chocolate as humanly possible. “Oh, it’s all mine, bitch. If you think you’re getting a chocolate heart from your hubby this year, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m buying out every store in town trying to sell that nonsense. Yeah, and guess what? Every time I see a couple get out of their car in public today, I’m opening up their gas tank and filling it with melted chocolate. You won’t be laughing when you realize your Hyundai Sonata can’t run on a melted heart. Fuck you Stanley.”

Whether you’re single, in love, or choose not to identify with a relationship status, one thing is undeniable on this day: Kelly Dubison is alone.

Colleges to Begin Offering Degrees in Celebrity Cancellation

Several United States colleges have announced they will begin offering degrees in celebrity cancellation for the 2022 fall semester. The idea was first proposed by University of State Tech University President, William Washaway after hundreds of students occupied the dean’s office demanding more opportunities for celebrity destruction.

“It was impossible to ignore,” said Washaway. “You could hear the chants all across campus. “WHO’S NEXT!? I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO WE WANT!? FOR THEM TO GO!” I thought, wow… this seems really important to the students. That kind of vision, to be able to know someone is a terrible person before finding out what they’ve done or who they even are… that’s what we strive for here at University of State Tech University.”

Within days, Washaway had conceded to the demands of the mob, offering fifteen new courses around celebrity degradation and an avenue for a degree in the field. Popular classes such as “Intro to Cancellation,” “Advanced Media Manipulation,” and “Psychology of Joe Rogan” have been already been applied to by more than two thousand students at the school.

“It’s really beautiful,” said Agenda Lunareclipse, a third year Gender Studies student from Rhode Island. “I’ve been seeing the potential grow online for years now. You can’t deny how important this is. Society needs to know that celebrities are awful human beings and I am not. It’s crazy how other people are capable of such evil when I’m not. I don’t even understand that word. Evil. Like, I don’t get it. How can someone be like that? You should be kind. You should always be kind. I don’t understand why people can’t just be kind. I’m so kind. I’m always kind to people. Fuck Joe Rogan, I hope he rots in hell.”

Open Mic Musician Removes Only Song From Spotify Because Joe Rogan

Jeremy Spunkle, an open mic musician from Chattanooga, Tennessee, has decided to remove his only song from Spotify in protest of Joe Rogan. Spunkle joins Neil Young, Jodi Mitchell, and some guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band in solidarity against people talking to each other for three hours.

“It’s just terrible,” said Spunkle. “He has these guests on and they talk about things for two, three, sometimes even four hours. Nobody should be allowed to talk that long. I’ve never listened to an episode myself, but it’s just so upsetting to know he’s out there speaking like that. I know for a fact he’s saying things that are harmful, dangerous, and downright hateful. Why else would he talk that long? Why else?”

It’s another powerful statement by an influential artist, sure to cause a tornado of strife for music listeners around the globe. Spunkle had three streams on his hit song “living in the basement,” uploaded to Spotify in 2019. It’s a big risk to take, but Spunkle believes in the message he’s sending.

“This is more important than any song I could ever produce. This is real life we are talking about here. People are dying. People are dying because they’re listening to Joe Rogan. They’re taking horse de-wormer and shoving it up their buttholes, they’re injecting themselves with DMT and overdosing in the streets, they’re throwing kettle bells out the windows of their cars… it’s just really sad, honestly.” Only time can tell what the effects of these massive protests will be, but you have to applaud these brave musicians for their courage. Public speaking has gone too far and too long, and somebody has to stand against it.

Tom Brady Retires From Football to Become Caretaker for Antonio Brown

Football legend Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL. The seven-time Super Bowl champion and greatest quarterback of all time will step down after twenty-two seasons in the league to pursue a caretaking position for former teammate, Antonio Brown.

“It’s bittersweet,” said Brady. “There’s been so many special moments on the field, and I’ll miss that. But something I’ve learned over the years is the truly special moments in life come off the field. Taking care of Antonio Brown over the last year has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

We brought him in and he was a shell of himself. A broken man with no direction. But we hooked him up to an IV drip of Tony Robbins quotes straight away, and things started to turn around. I realized in that moment, my true passion is to take care of people. That’s all this has really been about from the start. I don’t even like football. I just knew if I got really good, I could take care of people like Antonio.”

The announcement comes as a shock to fans, many of whom were convinced Tom Brady would be playing football forever. “He’s just so pliable,” said Robert from Little Rock, Arkansas. “I never thought someone who could bend like that would step away… or could step away. You watch this guy your whole life, you know… and you say, man, that guy’s really figured it out. Eternal greatness. Immortal success… And now he’s just another loser on the streets. I don’t even know what to believe in anymore.”  

His fans may be heartbroken, but his patients are heart-warmed; none more so than Brady’s most important patient, Antonio Brown. “Tom’s got my back. Ya’ll never had had my back, but Tom’s got my back. He plays Super Smash Bros with me. Do you play Super Smash Bros with me? Nah, I didn’t think so.”

Whatever your opinion may be of Brady, it’s hard to fault a man for following his heart.  

Antonio Brown Sues Antonio Brown, Citing Abuse by Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown has announced that he is taking legal action against himself. The former Tampa Bay receiver and Campbell’s soup advocate is suing on grounds of workplace misconduct and psychological abuse. “I’ve just had enough of this man, man. You’re gonna see. You’re gonna see who the real Antonio Brown is when this all comes out. The people that know me, know me,” said Brown.

Brown was released by the Buccaneers just days after head coach Bruce Arians claimed he was “no longer a Buc,” sending social media into a frenzy. Many have claimed that Brown has not been the same since taking a hit by Vontaze Burfict in a 2016 game against the Bengals, but Brown claims Antonio Brown has always been out of his mind.

“He hates me cause he ain’t me,” said Brown, of Brown. “He’s been on me since I was a kid. Everywhere I go he follows me around. He tells me I’m not the greatest of all time. He says I need help. Help? You see who I am? I’m Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown doesn’t need help.”

Whether we see Antonio Brown step on the field again remains to be seen, but the disgruntled receiver has made one thing clear: he is Antonio Brown, and he’s coming after Antonio Brown.

Derrick Henry to Play Guitar Made of Shredded Ligaments at Halftime

In desperate need of a fresh halftime performance, the NFL has announced that Derrick Henry will make his musical debut by performing a solo on his ACL guitar at the Titans game against the Bengals. The strings are made entirely of NFL defenders’ shredded ligaments, the neck made out of various bone fragments, and the guitar body a collection of MRI images of players’ brains. A collage of artistic brilliance, the guitar is said to be worth about 93 souls, all of which you can hear screaming for help with every strum.

Henry, who hasn’t played in a game since Halloween, says he’s excited for the opportunity to break people again. “I just want to get out there and crush people. It doesn’t matter how. I’ll take an ACL, MCL, fractured fibula, shattered sense of self-worth, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you have, as a defender or a viewer… it’s fucking mine.”

For the Cincinnati Bengals, survival is key. When asked about how to stop Henry, coach Zac Taylor simply said, “don’t die. If we can make it to the fourth quarter with most of our players still alive, you bet we’ve got a chance and you bet they’re gonna be out there. I don’t care if your ribs are cracked, I don’t care if your brain is scrambled, I don’t care if your posterior talo-fibular ligament is snapped, you’re gonna be out there and you’re gonna fight until the end. This is a battle, and you don’t win a battle if you’re bitching about your fractured tibia in the fourth quarter. Get out there and make a stop. Period.”

Viewers across the world are excited to see Henry get back to pummeling NFL defenders, but fear about their own safety has permeated the discussion over the internet. Twitter user BryanSucksButthole696969696969 wrote “Dude I’m so scared. What if my ears get sucked into the metaverse when Derrick Henry strums that guitar?”

@EdgeLordElliott34176 writes: “I’m taking necessary precautions for the half-time show. Television off, front door locked, and most importantly, wearing a mask. I’ve schedule my at-home booster to be administered minutes before Henry begins playing that guitar. You can never be too careful.”

Wise words from a random person on the internet. No matter who you are, make sure to protect yourself from Derrick Henry today. Please, the hospitals are overrun. We beg you. Put yourself in a full body cast and bury yourself six feet under the earth. It’s the only solution.

Man Commits Suicide on Toilet After Phone Loses Battery

A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark.

“I heard him scream from the other side of the house,” his wife Margaret said. “What am I supposed to just FUCKING SIT HERE!? I didn’t think too much of it at first. He has a bit of a short temper, but when I heard a loud thump I knew something more was going on. When I tried to call him from the living room and it went straight to voicemail, I knew what had happened.”

Steve Splink is survived by his wife Margaret and their two dogs, Bonnie and Clyde.

Conscious reflection has taken over three million lives in the past year alone. If you or someone you know ever has to sit with their own thoughts, please… call 911.

Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments

Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do.

“This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.”

“If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state of chaos and ruin, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m really good at identifying hate.”

Some of the horrific comments include things like a 55 year-old cis white man saying “pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” to an zhintern at Starbux. Despicable.

Several high ranking employees amongst various companies even began meetings with greetings such as “What’s going on guys?” and “How’s everyone doing today?” The fact that someone could refer to a group of shpeople as “guys” is barely comprehendible. The sheer amount of hate you have to have in your heart to say such a thing is truly dumbfounding.

Furthermore, we all know how harmful the phrase “everyone” is. If you take the word and remove all of it’s letters and insert new letters, the phrase becomes “I hate trans people.”

It remains to be seen if people will ever learn their lesson. It’s really sad that every old person on the face of the earth is a horrible human being.

Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.”

“I was just doing some calisthenics in the basement when all of a sudden I felt my soul shake,” said Ryan Gobstein, neighbor to the fallen Gomez family. “I didn’t hear anything at first. I was holding on to the pull-up bar and I felt it rip right through me. I had the sudden urge to call everyone I thought I loved and tell them that they’re nothing more than a useless sack of cells flying at unfathomable speeds through a universe they’ll never understand. It was followed by the undeniable impulse to kick a small child off his bicycle and paper-cut him with Pokémon cards. Then I heard it. The screech. I knew right away that a demon had awoken from a plumbers slumber. There were rumors circling for years about an angry plumber who trapped a demon in the town’s water pipes. Nobody believed it at the time, but look who’s laughing now.”

Mr. Gobstein was lucky enough to make it out with only a couple of bloody ears, but the Gomez family was spared the same fortune. We can only hope their deaths act as a clear warning of the demon’s real and present danger.

Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself.

Stopping for his usual morning coffee at a favorite café in Austin, Texas, local resident Benny Shleem noticed Musk sitting in the corner with his laptop open.

“It was a total shock.” said Shleem. “I never expected to see Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, just sitting right there. I was curious about what he might be working on, of course, so I waited for my coffee while sneakily peering over his shoulder. I noticed he was on Amazon.com, which I thought was interesting. Then I could see him typing the word “Amazon” into the search bar, hitting enter, scrolling, going back, and then doing it again. He must have done this ten times before opening a new tab. Then I watched him Google “Purchase Amazon with Amazon Prime?” and “Does Amazon come with free shipping?” He scrolled through a couple of pages, but I could tell he was getting a bit frustrated. It was kind of cool, because I could totally relate to the way he was feeling. It’s really frustrating when you can’t find what you’re looking for on Amazon. They’re supposed to have everything.”

It has been a hard year for a lot of us, and this harrowing account is a clear demonstration that even the world’s richest man is not immune to daily struggle.