A Phoenix, Arizona woman has officially declared Valentine’s Day the worst holiday of all time now that she’s no longer dating. Formerly her favorite holiday of the year, Valentines is now a stark reminder that Kelly Dubison is an insufferable wench.
“I used to love Valentines,” said Dubison. “But now that I’m alone, I think it’s really dumb… like why do we have to see all these happy couples posting pictures on Instagram? Don’t they know how miserable I am? Like… I don’t have anyone to go out to dinner with. I just have to sit at home and look at everyone else’s perfect relationship. It’s sickening. I wish this day didn’t exist.”
A recent poll by ShowMeYourBigLongPoll.com highlights that Valentine’s Day is the least popular day in the calendar year amongst single adults in the United States, narrowly edging out September 11. Over 30 million US adults have reported feelings of jealousy, self-conscious wallowing, and lack of chocolate. It’s estimated that lack of chocolate alone will take over one thousand lives on this terrible holiday.
Kelly Dubison has taken her own unique approach to Valentine’s this year, buying as much chocolate as humanly possible. “Oh, it’s all mine, bitch. If you think you’re getting a chocolate heart from your hubby this year, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m buying out every store in town trying to sell that nonsense. Yeah, and guess what? Every time I see a couple get out of their car in public today, I’m opening up their gas tank and filling it with melted chocolate. You won’t be laughing when you realize your Hyundai Sonata can’t run on a melted heart. Fuck you Stanley.”
Whether you’re single, in love, or choose not to identify with a relationship status, one thing is undeniable on this day: Kelly Dubison is alone.