Several United States colleges have announced they will begin offering degrees in celebrity cancellation for the 2022 fall semester. The idea was first proposed by University of State Tech University President, William Washaway after hundreds of students occupied the dean’s office demanding more opportunities for celebrity destruction.
“It was impossible to ignore,” said Washaway. “You could hear the chants all across campus. “WHO’S NEXT!? I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO WE WANT!? FOR THEM TO GO!” I thought, wow… this seems really important to the students. That kind of vision, to be able to know someone is a terrible person before finding out what they’ve done or who they even are… that’s what we strive for here at University of State Tech University.”
Within days, Washaway had conceded to the demands of the mob, offering fifteen new courses around celebrity degradation and an avenue for a degree in the field. Popular classes such as “Intro to Cancellation,” “Advanced Media Manipulation,” and “Psychology of Joe Rogan” have been already been applied to by more than two thousand students at the school.
“It’s really beautiful,” said Agenda Lunareclipse, a third year Gender Studies student from Rhode Island. “I’ve been seeing the potential grow online for years now. You can’t deny how important this is. Society needs to know that celebrities are awful human beings and I am not. It’s crazy how other people are capable of such evil when I’m not. I don’t even understand that word. Evil. Like, I don’t get it. How can someone be like that? You should be kind. You should always be kind. I don’t understand why people can’t just be kind. I’m so kind. I’m always kind to people. Fuck Joe Rogan, I hope he rots in hell.”