Tom Brady Retires From Football to Become Caretaker for Antonio Brown

Football legend Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL. The seven-time Super Bowl champion and greatest quarterback of all time will step down after twenty-two seasons in the league to pursue a caretaking position for former teammate, Antonio Brown.

“It’s bittersweet,” said Brady. “There’s been so many special moments on the field, and I’ll miss that. But something I’ve learned over the years is the truly special moments in life come off the field. Taking care of Antonio Brown over the last year has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

We brought him in and he was a shell of himself. A broken man with no direction. But we hooked him up to an IV drip of Tony Robbins quotes straight away, and things started to turn around. I realized in that moment, my true passion is to take care of people. That’s all this has really been about from the start. I don’t even like football. I just knew if I got really good, I could take care of people like Antonio.”

The announcement comes as a shock to fans, many of whom were convinced Tom Brady would be playing football forever. “He’s just so pliable,” said Robert from Little Rock, Arkansas. “I never thought someone who could bend like that would step away… or could step away. You watch this guy your whole life, you know… and you say, man, that guy’s really figured it out. Eternal greatness. Immortal success… And now he’s just another loser on the streets. I don’t even know what to believe in anymore.”  

His fans may be heartbroken, but his patients are heart-warmed; none more so than Brady’s most important patient, Antonio Brown. “Tom’s got my back. Ya’ll never had had my back, but Tom’s got my back. He plays Super Smash Bros with me. Do you play Super Smash Bros with me? Nah, I didn’t think so.”

Whatever your opinion may be of Brady, it’s hard to fault a man for following his heart.  

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