Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days after her cousin Erica was slaughtered by a man with a machete waiting in her rose bush.

Each deadbolt is carefully crafted to lock six feet into the drywall, running through the full width of the door and the frame. Mrs. Fisterson declined to comment on exactly how much the Fisterson couple had spent on such a robust locking system, simply telling us “there’s no price on still having your head attached to your body.”

Sadly, even the most careful among us are not immune to an axe murderer waiting outside our door. On August 9^th, 2020, Mrs. Fisterson had one too many gin and tonics and forgot to fully twist the lowest 15-foot deadbolt on her front door. Just minutes into the night, a man with a military-grade chainsaw destroyed the bottom three feet of the door, tossed the saw aside, crawled through the opening and sliced her into small bits with a Gerber hatchet.

It’s a simple reminder that the smallest lapse in concentration can be deadly. Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car accidents, drug overdoses, the DMV, and black-market prostate exams, combined.

The National Door Locker’s Association of America (NDLAA) estimates that on average, six men who you’ve never seen before and have no motive other than bashing your skull in are waiting outside your door at any given time, day or night, ready to take your life. For more information on home security, please visit SaveMySkull.gov.